As seen on TV! #5
Dodge Ram 1500 1994-2001
Why this model?
There is a certain type of actor who is better the less expressive and artistically gifted. This does not make them a lesser genre among actors, because in fact they are perfectly suited to the type of roles they play: they do not need to know how to express emotions because their characters are so tough that they do not get emotional, nor do they lose their cool and they do not need have artistic skills because that is “sissy”. To reward this type of actors, there should be an equivalent to the “Oscars” which could perfectly be called the “Norris” with different categories: Norris for best actor, Norris for best scar, Norris for best adapted grunt, Norris for best beating in mass and so on. Chuck Norris is a reference among the crudest of all cinema's brutes. To know how to recognize qualities in Norris, you don't need to know cinema. Just have love for life. This is also how you convince other motorists of the Dodge Ram's qualities: if it doesn't go well, you pass over the bastard. That's why this was the vehicle chosen for the serene Walker, the Texas Ranger.
What to look for
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme and Seagal are all actors of the same category, but only Chuck Norris has that expression in his eyes that seems to say “I'm going to break your trunk and I don't even know why”. This seems to have been the stylistic motto of designer Phillip E. Payne (it is no coincidence that Payne has the same sound as “pain”, English for pain). Looking for a new style for the pick-up born in 81, Payne created a kind of protruding snout that, when filling our rear-view mirror, has the same effect as Norris grabbing us by the trouser belt: it makes us obedient and puts talking softly to us. The interior is as refined as the Texas Ranger's denim vests. If you remove the steering wheel, it looks like a carpentry workbench. The severity of this motorized pachyderm extends to the mechanics: rudimentary, oversized and very crude! As a good American, Walker would not settle for any other option than a V8 with more than 5000cc of capacity. All things considered, it is the only option that matches this model. Choosing a diesel engine is like putting Norris in ballet shoes and the V10 engine is like demanding defined, shaved abs, canceling out that war veteran look with a thirst for punches.
What is it for
The Dodge Ram is a classic among American pickup trucks, but it's very difficult to say what it's for. Even Walker wasn't sure what to do with that entire cargo area: Romantic nights under the moonlight? Forget it! Camping? Vietnam was enough. Obstacles on off-road? That's why they invented Napalm!
Profile of the “actor”
Chuck Norris has similarities to the Dodge Ram, but he still talks too much. The only man with a film career worthy of this pick-up was the Portuguese stuntman Nuno Salvação Barreto: he became famous as a stuntman in Quo Vadis. To do this, all he had to do was enter an arena alone, grab a huge bull by the horns and break its neck. No small talk, no pickups or pistols. He just whispered to him: “Here, so you can learn not to mess with a Portuguese person!”
Alternative
Two words that need no explanation: Ford Bronco.
Engine: 8 cyl. in V; forward longitudinal position; central camshaft; 5200cc;
Chrysler Injection; 220 hp at 4400 rpm; Transmission: 4×4; 4 Vel. Author;
Brakes: front, disc; behind, drum. With brake servo;
Chassis: steel monocoque with two doors and two or five seats;
Length: 5184mm; Wheelbase: 3015mm; Weight: 2002kg;
Maximum Speed: 182km/h
Use: 2
Maintenance: 4
Reliability: 5
Valuation: 1
